CONTENT WARNING will have suicide, mental health (depression and anxiety) references!!!
In T-minus one hour and ten minutes (as of me typing this right now) it’ll be my 23rd birthday, which is kind of insane, that I’d reach this age. Obligatory “what’s my age again?” reference (I’ve been waiting for this day since I was a kid). I know I’ve been pretty absent from this blog, busy with uni assignments (honestly, four assignments due in the same week can honestly fuck off!), life, job interviews, it’s tiring. But hey, I’m here!
Now, when I was turning 22 I was going to write a blog entry about “Being 22” and I might still do that as I still have a little less than 24 hours, a little more than 12 hours, but it’s just more so on the cusp of turning 23 that I think I’ll just form it into a “Being 23”.
I get asked for advice on certain topics, a lot of my friends are younger than me, they’re all my sister’s age so it makes me a weird older sibling. So why not be the older sibling for people who are reading who are younger, but hey – if you’re older than 23 you can still learn a thing or two, I know I do.
I never thought that I would turn 23, depression got the best of me after my parent’s separation and divorce. and thus suicidal thoughts came, every year I had one and every year I didn’t think I’d be around to see the next one, and yet, here I am. Whenever I think of Melissa, of 13-year-old Melissa, the scared little girl who cried hearing their parents argue, finding out her precious dear father is an adulterer (which is funny, considering how religious my grandparents are).
I want to tell her that her feelings are valid, that the hurt she’s feeling is valid, that this hatred for her soon to be Stepmum is valid. I just wish she got over her hatred earlier. I missed out on a lot of things when I got angry at dad, a lot of good moments that I missed out on and it took me last weekend when I was with him to realise that.
People do shitty things, I’ve been around shitty people my whole life, including myself. I believe that you should love yourself. You can love someone else before you love yourself (as that stupid saying is stupid), but remember that you’re always number 1, that you’ll always be number 1 (he was number 1!). People won’t like you, and people might hate you, but there will always be someone out there that will love you. Whether that person is the person of your dreams or that person is you.
Another thing to note on, your high school friends won’t always be your best friends! I’ve been in a friendship group with my high school friends a year or two after it ended, and my two main best friends stopped being my best friends, and some other friends I just don’t keep in contact with. It’s been close to five years come December, and out of all the friends I have I only keep in regular contact with two people, there’s 1 other friend I keep in contact with and knew them during my high school years, but they didn’t go to my school so I don’t count it.
Every New Year, I say my goals are to lose weight, get a (better) job, get my P’s, move out. But in reality, my main goal is to not take any shit. I’ve been stood on, I’ve been stood up, and I’ve had people not recognise my potential. Every year, I tell myself “my goal is to not take any shit from anyone”, you don’t deserve the shit you’re given, I don’t deserve the shit I’m given. You’re better than that, and I’m better than that.
Life sucks, and life is a mess, but I think in the end, I’ve been the person 13-year-old Melissa would be proud of. Queer, happy, healthy, and in love. No hatred. Here’s to being 23 and many more years.