Recently, my boyfriend got a job and I am very proud of him, I mean I have to, I’m his girlfriend/datefriend (whatever the gender neutral term is) and I have to support him and such (well not have to, but I do truly support him and I’m proud of him), but it made me realise how much I need to grow up and do things. Or not grow up, because like you don’t have to grow up, you get older and you can be mature in some cases but you do need to do this and that.
But like I feel … weird. I guess it’s just that I’m antsy, agitated, impatient etc. about finding out if i can work or not. I mean given, I don’t have much experience, I wasn’t allowed to get a job during my teens because of my learning disability and now I’m like, angry about it I suppose. I wasn’t allowed to do much because of my parents worry about me, and I guess that comes with being the first born who is, and I’m going to swear so whatever, fucked up. I just feel like a burden in society you know? It’s a bit silly I admit, but maybe my anxieties are contributing to it? I wouldn’t be surprised if they were contributing. It’s a horrible feeling of being panicky and feeling like you’re never going to accomplish things.
I’ve applied at six places (well three, four of them were the same place just different locations), and I’ve got the qualifications I suppose for at least for of them but I don’t have experience like most, and I’m with my local ‘Job Bulletin Board’ (because those are things now) and most of them are for cooks or some sort of trade work and God that’s frustrating as ever. Because I don’t want to be those things? I don’t ever see those things, can I just get a notification for something other then this.
Though I do realise I need to get a car as well, and my license, but hey ho presto I can’t drive my mum’s or my dad’s car. So I’m going to have to spend well over $600 on drivers lessons, that’s for ten hours at least. I’ve already got half an hour, and when I get a job I can save up for lessons, and just ugh. Everything sucks, and everything is making me anxious and I just want to sleep forever, or at least like ten years, who knows. Growing up is difficult, but I know I can do it. Or at least die trying.