Mortality

My bullet journal with a reference to David Bowie and Alan Rickman.

My bullet journal with a reference to David Bowie and Alan Rickman.

          First blog post of the year (I need to blog regularly, it bugs me that I don’t), and I’m going to be talking about death. Well, the start of 2016 wasn’t too excited for me anyways to have some sort of up beat new entry blog post. So there’s that. But to warn anyone reading that I might talk about anything triggering like death, suicide, cancer, loss of a loved one… but if you can handle it go on ahead.

          Death is, well, scary and death. About two weeks ago I had a depressive episode, things that happened in the past have come to light and all this and that, it’s scary. I’ve never wanted to commit suicide, I’ve always been to scared to do it, as well as scared to how my mother and sister react to it and now that I’m in a relationship, scared on how he’ll react to it. Depression really fucking sucks. I think about the morality of the human race and what’ll happen to us. I’ll get this weird, tight feeling in my chest thinking about it (thanks anxiety, dick).

          When you have all these thoughts running through your head that you say to yourself, you don’t actually believe it, but they’re just, well, there because you don’t really have anything to go on with. They’re horrible, horrible thoughts, but in that moment you believe them to be true no matter who’s screaming at you for being an idiot to believe such lies. I’m over those thoughts, I’m, alright I guess you could say, as alright as I can be when waking up from a depressive episode.

          David Bowie passed away this past Monday for me, and I wasn’t crying, but I surely was sad because I loved his music and I had only just listened to Blackstar when it came out, as well as making my phone background have a lyric from Space Oddity. But man was he an icon, I loved his androgynous look, as well as coming out as bisexual it really does help out all of those queer kids out there. I loved Bowie because of his love for space, and I got excited when Chris Hadfield released his version of Space Oddity.

          Late last night I had heard Alan Rickman passed away, and like with Bowie I thought it was fake, but it wasn’t, and his got to me the most. I had grown up watching Harry Potter and I have this love hate relationship with Snape, so hearing that he passed away hurt me, like I had lost a long time family member. I just couldn’t believe it, I was shocked, speechless and in tears. Of course I hadn’t seen Rickman in much films (I’m probably gonna watch Galaxy Quest tonight, bless Netflix), but he was still a major part of my childhood. Snape was a major part of my childhood; and they both shaped it.

          I can’t believe they’re both gone like that. It’s crazy that its happened you know? I can’t really explain it to be honest, it’s just, yeah, sad, very very sad. Hopefully they’re families are okay, but I’ll be alright. I’ll see you all next week!

goodbye

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